|
|
Post by grunt on Sept 4, 2010 2:12:45 GMT -5
Somehow this is becoming more meaningful as we approach our golden years.
Have You Ever Danced?
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes,
a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir, but I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here.........!!!!!
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
|
|
|
|
Post by ottawagardener on Sept 4, 2010 10:24:43 GMT -5
Very funny.
|
|
|
|
Post by bunkie on Sept 8, 2010 11:26:33 GMT -5
Larry Swearingen ~ "If God made everything, he must be somewhere in China..." ;D
|
|
|
|
Post by canadamike on Sept 9, 2010 0:37:14 GMT -5
And he must be a woman because he is always right   |
|
|
|
Post by bunkie on Sept 24, 2010 13:28:59 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by bunkie on Sept 28, 2010 11:53:45 GMT -5
A lady gardener loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them
to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who
had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so
red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato
garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red
from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same
thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work
So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
|
|
|
|
Post by mjc on Dec 11, 2010 20:12:01 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by mnjrutherford on Dec 11, 2010 21:33:13 GMT -5
LOVE IT!
|
|
|
|
Post by grunt on Feb 21, 2011 1:25:45 GMT -5
The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.
She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.
She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.
A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.
He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"
|
|
|
|
Post by mnjrutherford on Feb 21, 2011 7:11:35 GMT -5
LOL You are SO naughty!
|
|
|
|
Post by blueadzuki on Mar 16, 2011 17:11:52 GMT -5
A day early but a favorite of mine (courtesty of my old literature professor)
"St. Patrick's Day is a day when eveyone wants to look like a Leprechaun and act like a Clurichaun "
(In case you aren't well versed in Celtic mythology, a Clurichaun is sort of like a Leprechaun in reverse (or in some versions a Leprechaun on a bender). Leprechauns are normally characterized as being a bit dour, no nonsense, industrious and not all that fun to be around. Clurichauns on the other hand are loud, boisterous and basically party animals. They are also perpetually drunk, and tend to have the rather "rough" humor associated with some other members of the Daoine Sidhe . They LOVE alcohol and have rather free ideas about how to get it (a standard sign you may have one in your house is if your alchohol suddenly starts dissapearing, as they often magic all booze in the area directly into thier own systems. They usually dress in red and blue (as oppsed to the Leperechauns standard brown and green).
|
|
|
|
Post by bunkie on Apr 22, 2011 12:39:47 GMT -5
All I need to know
I learned from the Easter Bunny!
Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off of other people's jelly beans.
Good things come in small, sugar coated packages.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
|
|
|
|
Post by grunt on Apr 22, 2011 15:35:11 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by grunt on Apr 22, 2011 15:37:27 GMT -5
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The cashier rang up $46.64 charges. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favour. She became
indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get- one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one- get-one-free, ' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.
They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?'
They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the North?. When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'
They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'
They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I went out to buy beer and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was
in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?'
They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza place I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'
Yep, They Walk Among Us!
|
|
|
|
Post by bunkie on Aug 28, 2011 9:47:09 GMT -5
Every young person should hear this story. Older folks can really be such inspirations to our youth  |
|
